It's 9:57 and I'm already blogging. Already my day has been interesting, at least to my standards. And the overshadowing factor is the fact that my tongue gets caught in my throat, right next to my foot. If I could predict the reaction, and I knew it would be a favorable one, I would totally say it, and I would be satisfied. However, I also feel that my silly intentions are not worth the loss of a friend. People confuse me and amuse me. I feel without the confusion there would be no mystery, and that is not a life. Also my rambling has already lost its direction. Huh. I mean I could go into embarrassing little details about myself, but, if I wanted my secrets known to the world then I would just gather up the balls to tell the people that my secrets are about. I WISH I had the balls to tell them, but there is that fear of rejection that is prevalent in my mind. Also, redundance, since I have already been over this before. Also, it might be like a, "omg you're hot and interesting we should hang out" kind of thing instead of a, "I feel like we're best friends but i really like you more than that" kind of thing. There is a level of relativity that is somewhat lacking in places. Confusion, confusion. Such a fun thing. This relativity thing could be amended with more interaction and time, but, will it ever get that far? This is a good question.
Also, I think the blue hair is going to die. I love the color, and I love being unique, don't get me wrong. But everyone knows who I am. Everyone can pick me out at any moment and that kind of freaks me out. I like being anonymous when I want to be. Also, I am applying for a job where I will work closely with small children, tutoring them with reading and writing. I'm not sure if they would hire me with teal hair...
I really feel that I need to let go of people. Not people, what people do and think, because most of the time it's not personal. I often take things too personally, and I should amend this. I should also amend the fact that I haven't done anything today other than go to one class and stay awake, but who's counting? Perhaps some day I will stumble upon the answers to my life. Maybe I'll suddenly discover how I'm supposed to think and feel. Maybe that day will come. Maybe not. The world is full of unanswered questions, and I wish that chasing cats at 3 in the morning could fix my problems, but alas it can not. A kitten would certainly make me feel better, a mute kitten. Someone here to share my most intimate thoughts with and to keep me warm at night, because I honestly don't think there will be another human in my life like that for a while. I keep my mind open, and I try to keep my chin up, but right now it seems that some days go better than others, and some days make you want to put your face in your pillow and block out the world. I can't help how I feel, but I can help how I treat others. I can help how I react to my feelings. And relieving stress would be a good thing to ease my worries. I should, key word should, be doing my stats homework right now. But my mind is out in space floating by LB426. Past the Nostromo and the bits of disaster that followed. I should log off. I should probably be sober. I should probably be in the lounge diligently working away. But all I want to do is find that kitten, so I won't feel so alone when my friends are busy, or when I isolate myself from the chaos for a short while. I want to go back to sleep and forget that I woke up this morning. But I'm not. I'm gonna pull myself up and out. I can't drag my feet in life, there's no time for that. And as for being alone, most men can't keep up anyway, actually I think most men are scared of me. I guess in a releasing sort of fashion, whatever comes, will come. No amount of hoping or praying or sulking will change what will come, or what opportunities will pass you. It's if you take those opportunities, if you accept the challenge, that creates your fate. But whatever comes, will come. Not doing your homework and ignoring your friends will only make you miserable, and it won't change things for the better. I guess this is what I mean by I ramble?
I know how you feel in the second paragraph. I get that all day everyday here. I dont have a the college experience of hanging out with friends or even of doing things on campus. I went from high school to adult in 3 months. Shit, Monday night I was about to go to bed and walked out of my room for some aspirin. My dad asked if Gamestop had called back. I said no. He told me they called and wanted to tell me that I could pick up my copy of GOW3 at midnight at this big release party. I looked at him and said, "I cant go I have work in the morning..." I am 20 years old, second year of college, why the hell am I saying these things? I wish I even had the opportunity to go to such things. But I work early 3 days a week and have class 4 days.... All you can do is drag on. Keep pushing hoping something better is just ahead.
ReplyDeleteAlso... YAY RAMBLING