09/23-24/2011

It has been an interesting 72 hours.  A lot of confusing things in my opinion.  Mostly having to do with men actually.  Probably me mostly trying to find my footing and slipping on the ice that doesn't exist.  I may be developing a headache just from all the things that are floating through my head.  It seems like there's never a simple answer or option.  I'm not sure what I want to work out.  Or what I don't want.

I'm assuming that all of this is normal, if my life was perfect I'd actually be quite suspicious of when something is going to go horribly wrong.  Maybe that's not the right way to think about things.  Life has taught me that nothing comes easy, or free.  Everything comes with sacrifice, even friends and love.

Ethnocentrism, the belief that one culture is above or better than another, goes both ways.  You can put down your own culture just as easily as you can elevate it.  I have been trying to be something that I'm not, being ethnocentric against myself.  Last night I let Sam out.  Sam is influenced by Muncie,IN.  Sam has an accent from Muncie which is an odd combination of ghetto and hick.  I don't normally let Sam out to play, but she likes it very much.  I'm thinking about being her more often, instead of who I think people like more.  I have been making myself quiet and shy in order to maybe be more attractive to someone who probably just sees me as a fat American.  Well, let me just say, all the black men I've met like me like this, screw you.  I'm not petite, I'm not delicate, but I'm fucking beautiful and just because I don't fit your standards doesn't mean I can't create standards of my own.

So I've been trying to make myself someone else's idea of beauty and I'm kinda sick of it.  I might be single yet for quite a long time, but at least I will be being true to myself.  I like rap.  I like animated films.  I like snakes.  I'm a bit different than other girls.  But just because I'm different doesn't mean that I need to change myself to fit some twisted view of beauty which involves conformation and a hatred of food.  I also like cars.  Of all kinds.  I may say I don't like small cars, but that's mostly because I've never driven one or enjoyed one before.  I don't know if I like them or not.  Also I want to learn how to drive a stick shift, because I hate not knowing.  I want to know how to control my car in a more intimate way than just pressing the gas pedal.  I'm about to just test drive a manual and figure it out.   But everyone that I've asked to teach me is either busy or just says no.

Interesting people are in my life.  Interesting occurrences are in my life.  Now if only I could get an interesting person to make themselves an interesting occurrence in my life.  Y'know, one that wants to see me regularly and teach me things.  Learn things from me.  Share life experiences, and maybe spit.  But here I am rambling again like a sap.  Here I am turning in circles until I make myself dizzy.  I think I want to do one thing, and that's find a stabilizing relationship, but I truly think it still stems to missing my Acad family and how close we were.  And how I don't see any of them anymore.  I miss them all dearly.  And I miss how I could pretty much talk to them about anything and get hugs and stuff.  College is very very different even from the academy.  I miss coming back from extended and being able to jump around excitedly and hug people and spend until midnight talking and laughing then splitting to floors and repeating.  I also miss cold evenings in the courtyards, and the moonlight on the river, and long adventures.  i also miss roller chairs ;D  Academy kids who read this blog, below please give one of your favorite memories at the Acad to ease my troubled mind.  I should've made a detailed diary of everything that happened, but I was too busy having fun :).

While my life is confused at the moment, I will do my best to keep blogging regularly.  Feel free to comment or ask questions on facebook.