I've been avoiding blogging for some time. There's a part of me that doesn't want to share my inner thoughts, but I really have no other outlet. This past weekend was interesting, I met a bunch of people, partied with some of the japanese program kids, raved with some con goers, and didn't kill myself on the highway. I also finally found all of my old writing in my attic, which was rewarding. I also found an excellent book which I need to circulate, Feed.
I suppose I've been avoiding blogging because I don't really know what to say. Should I go into the dark, grimy details or should I keep it consistent with the person that everyone thinks that I am, that is a good question. I certainly don't want a wave of 'sympathy', so I'll keep my malcontents to myself. I feel like I am in the center of a circus, watching it form and change around me, yet I am not part of it's contents. I watch as things blossom and die in one continuous cycle, over and over again. The insanity of it all... I can't really describe. I am really growing quite disgusted with the occurrences in my life at the moment. If I wasn't already so lonely, I would probably pull away, but I perceive no choice in the matter. Since I can't find the heart to be ruder to the people that I perceive lies or hurt from, I'll just watch it build up into a head and then dissipate on its own. I suppose in time all will be well again. I only wish I had the courage to take the time for myself, to heal my hurts and find myself. There are days when I truly wish I was not here in Findlay. I want to be following my passion, even if it is perceived to be less than other majors. I feel like I'm lying to myself, and making myself stay here in order to not let anyone down. I would rather be taking mechanics classes in fort wayne ivy tech than dragging myself through gen. ed's here. I can't tell if this unhappiness is because of where I am, or just who I've been talking to. The mind is fickle like that, all I can perceive is the unhappiness, not immediately it's source. I will never know the source until I cut that source off, but once I leave Findlay I can't come back. I do not know the answer right now, I just know that it is out there.
Bah I have rambled again, damn it. I feel like I should be posting poetry or something other than my own depression and problems. Then again, who really gives a shit at the end of the day? This represents how a college student is feeling in one hour of one day, how set in stone can it really be?
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
10/03/2011
It is a new month, and therefore I am going to try something different. I am only going to post about the positive things in my life, and then maybe I'll feel more cheerful re-reading it. So recently I got two new jobs, one working as a tutor at a primary school, and another working at Jimmy John's. My tutoring job has so far gone pretty well, especially considering I have had no previous experience with small children, and was intimidated by them. There are still times when I want to find a corner, but I feel that I've grown quite a bit as a person.
As much as I dislike working at a drive-thru window at Jimmy John's, I managed to pick it up pretty quickly. I feel like the only thing I'm still not qualified to do is make the sandwiches, because I don't know them. But I got a little study guide so I can pursue my lifelong dream of working at Jimmy John's. Kidding.
I'm hoping that I'll start getting paychecks pretty soon. My car worries me sometimes, and I like knowing that I can avert a crisis when it happens. Lumie actually got jealous and bitchy with me on Friday afternoon. I had been checking out this Mitsubishi 3000GT before I went to work, and in all the pictures she is sitting jealously in the background. It was after that that I nearly got into two car accidents because of her brakes and her tranny starting shifting like I was getting rear-ended each time. And she shook. So I made her a facebook to appease her, and now she's being good for me again. WTF car. But I love her, she's my pretty lady. I just want her to stay with me as long as she can.
I have survived doing 18 hours a week and working 6 hours a week. Now I will survive that and additional hours on the weekend. While I feel somewhat like a badass I know I'm putting myself in a dangerous spot, but I think the payoff will be well worth it. Two paychecks coming in? And both places are less than 3 minutes away? I think yes :). Money to fuel my driving habits and to back me up in the future. I'm hoping to have enough money by the time she dies to get an even nicer, more fuel efficient car. I would absolutely hate to be without one now that I have one. My car is very important to me, and having to drive something that I don't like will make me unhappy, like a fucking Dodge Grand Mini-Caravan. Speaking of which, I almost parked between two of those at the Primary school today. Soooo glad that I didn't, they would have fucked Lumie, up that poor girl. Fucking Caravans are fucking crazy. And the people that drive them. Nuts, every one. My mom drives one, and I learned in one. I know what I'm talking about... So luckily I caught myself and pulled up to the side of them, and avoided injury.
Is it sad that almost everything good in my life is my car? It's something that I can depend on, and that can get me the fuck out of here if I want to be. It's always there when no one else is, and that makes it something to depend on. I'm not gonna vent on here, it's not worth it. Better to hold it in and speak it to only those that care to ask, than blurt it out on a public site. I tried to make it as positive as possible, so... yeah.
As much as I dislike working at a drive-thru window at Jimmy John's, I managed to pick it up pretty quickly. I feel like the only thing I'm still not qualified to do is make the sandwiches, because I don't know them. But I got a little study guide so I can pursue my lifelong dream of working at Jimmy John's. Kidding.
I'm hoping that I'll start getting paychecks pretty soon. My car worries me sometimes, and I like knowing that I can avert a crisis when it happens. Lumie actually got jealous and bitchy with me on Friday afternoon. I had been checking out this Mitsubishi 3000GT before I went to work, and in all the pictures she is sitting jealously in the background. It was after that that I nearly got into two car accidents because of her brakes and her tranny starting shifting like I was getting rear-ended each time. And she shook. So I made her a facebook to appease her, and now she's being good for me again. WTF car. But I love her, she's my pretty lady. I just want her to stay with me as long as she can.
I have survived doing 18 hours a week and working 6 hours a week. Now I will survive that and additional hours on the weekend. While I feel somewhat like a badass I know I'm putting myself in a dangerous spot, but I think the payoff will be well worth it. Two paychecks coming in? And both places are less than 3 minutes away? I think yes :). Money to fuel my driving habits and to back me up in the future. I'm hoping to have enough money by the time she dies to get an even nicer, more fuel efficient car. I would absolutely hate to be without one now that I have one. My car is very important to me, and having to drive something that I don't like will make me unhappy, like a fucking Dodge Grand Mini-Caravan. Speaking of which, I almost parked between two of those at the Primary school today. Soooo glad that I didn't, they would have fucked Lumie, up that poor girl. Fucking Caravans are fucking crazy. And the people that drive them. Nuts, every one. My mom drives one, and I learned in one. I know what I'm talking about... So luckily I caught myself and pulled up to the side of them, and avoided injury.
Is it sad that almost everything good in my life is my car? It's something that I can depend on, and that can get me the fuck out of here if I want to be. It's always there when no one else is, and that makes it something to depend on. I'm not gonna vent on here, it's not worth it. Better to hold it in and speak it to only those that care to ask, than blurt it out on a public site. I tried to make it as positive as possible, so... yeah.
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