Happy Halloween!
Indeed I've found that one flaw in my life is that I'm always reaching forwards, into the future. I am always wanting what I don't yet have. Like today I am looking forward to the con this weekend, and dyeing my hair on Friday night, not relaxing as I am now on the computer, or finally finishing my English paper. There is a great virtue in being able to live in the moment. To some it comes naturally, others, its a lesson that they must learn over and over.
Well my life has pretty much done a back flip in the past few weeks, fell in mid flop, rolled over and tried again. So much change= chocolate, compulsive buying of cat clocks, watching cutesy anime and avoidance of all responsibilities. Also, driving my car (even) more aggressively than normal, and randomly dissolving into either tears or laughter. And yet again I look to the future, to a week from now when maybe I've come to terms with breaking someone's heart, again. The wisdom of why it happened I do not question, but the pain I caused I can not look away from or minimize. I must face and acknowledge it.
I do wish I had a small little gas efficient car. If I did I would go visit my Acad family right now, tonight. I need a break from life without them. >.< no one understands when I call the napkin dispenser 'toast'. I wanna see my juniors and my old room mate and my sisters. And Biasi. Can't forget about Biasi.
A plus side to today, I'm sober. I feel like I'll actually be productive today, which is more than I can say for last week. Life is a roller coaster, in order to go down you must first be up, and to go up you must have momentum from first going down. This week I hope and pray will be good, and this weekend I know will be a blast. Pink fucking hair, and an anime convention. If I can find Kimba the white lion stuff I will be in heaven. Or Mecha Godzilla, there's a place in my heart for Mecha Godzilla. Plus I am bringing a group of Findlay friends with me, maybe we'll bond in the 5-6 hours of driving. One can only hope. I feel like I stand in between two groups as it is, or maybe even three or four. I wish they could all just hang out together, but I understand their differences.
Damn I can't wait to dye my hair. Having teal hair was just too much fun. It needs to happen again because I absolutely loved it and when it left I felt like I had lost a part of me. It's like a distant past in which I did something fun, then I got a job lol. Story of the working adult, except I don't really consider myself an adult. I'm just a person who likes to have fun and can take care of myself. Sometimes I still consider myself a child, because of all the things I haven't experienced yet. All the things I'm ignorant of. Sometimes I feel like someone who has seen so many things it's like the sky has opened up and passage of time is no longer significant. That things are happening in patterns and I can forsee how things will continue to play out. It weighs on me. Then I remind myself that I'm 18, and I'm still a young'un with a LOT to learn. The Academy forced me to grow up so fast, that I have to remind myself that I'm still a freshman in college. That I've got a whole life ahead of me. That I have a lot of options to choose from. I also have to remember that I have a lot of people that love me, and no matter how bad shit seems, I have a lot of people thinking about me, a lot of people who in a heartbeat would be emotional support. In these weeks ahead of me I gotta hold onto that thought, and keep it close in mind. I know I might need that helping hand as I cycle through getting over what's happened in the past weeks, and in advance I sure do appreciate it.
