I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to blog about, right now I'm just thinking out loud. Sometimes I wonder how people must see me. I'm not even sure how I see me. I swear some days my self confidence is through the roof and other days I just want to put a bag over my head.
I just ran about 2.5 miles on the treadmill, so I'm feeling pretty dead now, and on my way out from the gym, I saw a guy I had a crush on playing ping pong with a girl. I honestly wish them happiness, whatever they are, but now I feel a little bit more alone. My ex fucking with my head doesn't help >.<. I don't want to really make waves, but I could've slapped him for his lack of tact and foresight. I had literally been 1.5 months out of hurting every day and then he tells me that he misses me and wants me back? After I suffered all summer and I had just stopped hurting? No sir. No thanks. As much as the lonely person in me wants to believe that he's changed and all that, the one that remembers the past knows that it probably won't be. The only reason I consider his words is because I glorified the relationship and tried to look past all the angst and hardship and frustration and neglect and loneliness... But then I saw, he's just trying to get me back. He's making empty promises of actually being there, and actually trying to make things work, but in reality, he's just gonna drop the ball again as soon as I say yes. And the cycle will start over.
Thus I know this is a bad idea and should be avoided. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I don't usually get upset about it until someone complains about something less minor than me, such as, "I haven't been held in someone's arms for a week! My life sucks!" Really bitch? Try 4-5 months. Fuck you. And like, she feels the need to parade every guy that she's fucking in our faces like we should be jealous. >.< there are some days where I just want to smack her, "Do you have chaps? I can't afford them, they're like $300" "Um, I don't think my chaps would fit you" "Well, I could get them tailored" "Um, why would I give you my chaps, which are extremely expensive, to YOU, for FREE?" Especially since you wouldn't even appreciate it and go ruin them... Yes, she is this dense.
>.< I think I must have anger issues or something. It just angers me that someone with so much disposable cash can ask someone like me who literally has $0 in the bank, for something that expensive and personal. Just, completely rude and insensitive. Uncaring of what I wanted. I hate rude people like that.
So... I know I sound like I have a gazillion crushes, and I do, but that just means that I'm not deeply in love with any of them. It also means that none of them have showed interest and/or have girls already. So I'm not a whore or anything drooling after all of these guys, I just notice that they have a nice smile and think about them. I'm also not out to rip apart a good thing, so I just think that they are cute and do not act on it. In my opinion, I can think whatever I want, as long as I don't do anything on it.
So anyway, I was leading into meeting this super cute indian guy whose name I cannot recall, but he has a very nice smile and he's like over 6 foot. I appreciate this a lot, even though I'm as short as I am. And while I know that if certain people read this they might feel hurt because I'm moving on, I'm not posting the link on facebook this time, and if they check it it's their own damn fault. I'm single and I can think people are cute if I want to. I'm not out to hurt anyone, but I have rights to believe what I believe. I'm not going to chain myself down because of what happened in April. But somehow I always end up crushing on guys that aren't interested in me, so this will probably go the same way. If it doesn't, i will certainly blog about it. In any case, the world keeps spinning and lives keep going on in the usual way. And my life, it will never be the same, as at this moment. The only constant, is change.
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