Happy Halloween!
Indeed I've found that one flaw in my life is that I'm always reaching forwards, into the future. I am always wanting what I don't yet have. Like today I am looking forward to the con this weekend, and dyeing my hair on Friday night, not relaxing as I am now on the computer, or finally finishing my English paper. There is a great virtue in being able to live in the moment. To some it comes naturally, others, its a lesson that they must learn over and over.
Well my life has pretty much done a back flip in the past few weeks, fell in mid flop, rolled over and tried again. So much change= chocolate, compulsive buying of cat clocks, watching cutesy anime and avoidance of all responsibilities. Also, driving my car (even) more aggressively than normal, and randomly dissolving into either tears or laughter. And yet again I look to the future, to a week from now when maybe I've come to terms with breaking someone's heart, again. The wisdom of why it happened I do not question, but the pain I caused I can not look away from or minimize. I must face and acknowledge it.
I do wish I had a small little gas efficient car. If I did I would go visit my Acad family right now, tonight. I need a break from life without them. >.< no one understands when I call the napkin dispenser 'toast'. I wanna see my juniors and my old room mate and my sisters. And Biasi. Can't forget about Biasi.
A plus side to today, I'm sober. I feel like I'll actually be productive today, which is more than I can say for last week. Life is a roller coaster, in order to go down you must first be up, and to go up you must have momentum from first going down. This week I hope and pray will be good, and this weekend I know will be a blast. Pink fucking hair, and an anime convention. If I can find Kimba the white lion stuff I will be in heaven. Or Mecha Godzilla, there's a place in my heart for Mecha Godzilla. Plus I am bringing a group of Findlay friends with me, maybe we'll bond in the 5-6 hours of driving. One can only hope. I feel like I stand in between two groups as it is, or maybe even three or four. I wish they could all just hang out together, but I understand their differences.
Damn I can't wait to dye my hair. Having teal hair was just too much fun. It needs to happen again because I absolutely loved it and when it left I felt like I had lost a part of me. It's like a distant past in which I did something fun, then I got a job lol. Story of the working adult, except I don't really consider myself an adult. I'm just a person who likes to have fun and can take care of myself. Sometimes I still consider myself a child, because of all the things I haven't experienced yet. All the things I'm ignorant of. Sometimes I feel like someone who has seen so many things it's like the sky has opened up and passage of time is no longer significant. That things are happening in patterns and I can forsee how things will continue to play out. It weighs on me. Then I remind myself that I'm 18, and I'm still a young'un with a LOT to learn. The Academy forced me to grow up so fast, that I have to remind myself that I'm still a freshman in college. That I've got a whole life ahead of me. That I have a lot of options to choose from. I also have to remember that I have a lot of people that love me, and no matter how bad shit seems, I have a lot of people thinking about me, a lot of people who in a heartbeat would be emotional support. In these weeks ahead of me I gotta hold onto that thought, and keep it close in mind. I know I might need that helping hand as I cycle through getting over what's happened in the past weeks, and in advance I sure do appreciate it.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
10/24/2011
I've been avoiding blogging for some time. There's a part of me that doesn't want to share my inner thoughts, but I really have no other outlet. This past weekend was interesting, I met a bunch of people, partied with some of the japanese program kids, raved with some con goers, and didn't kill myself on the highway. I also finally found all of my old writing in my attic, which was rewarding. I also found an excellent book which I need to circulate, Feed.
I suppose I've been avoiding blogging because I don't really know what to say. Should I go into the dark, grimy details or should I keep it consistent with the person that everyone thinks that I am, that is a good question. I certainly don't want a wave of 'sympathy', so I'll keep my malcontents to myself. I feel like I am in the center of a circus, watching it form and change around me, yet I am not part of it's contents. I watch as things blossom and die in one continuous cycle, over and over again. The insanity of it all... I can't really describe. I am really growing quite disgusted with the occurrences in my life at the moment. If I wasn't already so lonely, I would probably pull away, but I perceive no choice in the matter. Since I can't find the heart to be ruder to the people that I perceive lies or hurt from, I'll just watch it build up into a head and then dissipate on its own. I suppose in time all will be well again. I only wish I had the courage to take the time for myself, to heal my hurts and find myself. There are days when I truly wish I was not here in Findlay. I want to be following my passion, even if it is perceived to be less than other majors. I feel like I'm lying to myself, and making myself stay here in order to not let anyone down. I would rather be taking mechanics classes in fort wayne ivy tech than dragging myself through gen. ed's here. I can't tell if this unhappiness is because of where I am, or just who I've been talking to. The mind is fickle like that, all I can perceive is the unhappiness, not immediately it's source. I will never know the source until I cut that source off, but once I leave Findlay I can't come back. I do not know the answer right now, I just know that it is out there.
Bah I have rambled again, damn it. I feel like I should be posting poetry or something other than my own depression and problems. Then again, who really gives a shit at the end of the day? This represents how a college student is feeling in one hour of one day, how set in stone can it really be?
I suppose I've been avoiding blogging because I don't really know what to say. Should I go into the dark, grimy details or should I keep it consistent with the person that everyone thinks that I am, that is a good question. I certainly don't want a wave of 'sympathy', so I'll keep my malcontents to myself. I feel like I am in the center of a circus, watching it form and change around me, yet I am not part of it's contents. I watch as things blossom and die in one continuous cycle, over and over again. The insanity of it all... I can't really describe. I am really growing quite disgusted with the occurrences in my life at the moment. If I wasn't already so lonely, I would probably pull away, but I perceive no choice in the matter. Since I can't find the heart to be ruder to the people that I perceive lies or hurt from, I'll just watch it build up into a head and then dissipate on its own. I suppose in time all will be well again. I only wish I had the courage to take the time for myself, to heal my hurts and find myself. There are days when I truly wish I was not here in Findlay. I want to be following my passion, even if it is perceived to be less than other majors. I feel like I'm lying to myself, and making myself stay here in order to not let anyone down. I would rather be taking mechanics classes in fort wayne ivy tech than dragging myself through gen. ed's here. I can't tell if this unhappiness is because of where I am, or just who I've been talking to. The mind is fickle like that, all I can perceive is the unhappiness, not immediately it's source. I will never know the source until I cut that source off, but once I leave Findlay I can't come back. I do not know the answer right now, I just know that it is out there.
Bah I have rambled again, damn it. I feel like I should be posting poetry or something other than my own depression and problems. Then again, who really gives a shit at the end of the day? This represents how a college student is feeling in one hour of one day, how set in stone can it really be?
Monday, October 3, 2011
10/03/2011
It is a new month, and therefore I am going to try something different. I am only going to post about the positive things in my life, and then maybe I'll feel more cheerful re-reading it. So recently I got two new jobs, one working as a tutor at a primary school, and another working at Jimmy John's. My tutoring job has so far gone pretty well, especially considering I have had no previous experience with small children, and was intimidated by them. There are still times when I want to find a corner, but I feel that I've grown quite a bit as a person.
As much as I dislike working at a drive-thru window at Jimmy John's, I managed to pick it up pretty quickly. I feel like the only thing I'm still not qualified to do is make the sandwiches, because I don't know them. But I got a little study guide so I can pursue my lifelong dream of working at Jimmy John's. Kidding.
I'm hoping that I'll start getting paychecks pretty soon. My car worries me sometimes, and I like knowing that I can avert a crisis when it happens. Lumie actually got jealous and bitchy with me on Friday afternoon. I had been checking out this Mitsubishi 3000GT before I went to work, and in all the pictures she is sitting jealously in the background. It was after that that I nearly got into two car accidents because of her brakes and her tranny starting shifting like I was getting rear-ended each time. And she shook. So I made her a facebook to appease her, and now she's being good for me again. WTF car. But I love her, she's my pretty lady. I just want her to stay with me as long as she can.
I have survived doing 18 hours a week and working 6 hours a week. Now I will survive that and additional hours on the weekend. While I feel somewhat like a badass I know I'm putting myself in a dangerous spot, but I think the payoff will be well worth it. Two paychecks coming in? And both places are less than 3 minutes away? I think yes :). Money to fuel my driving habits and to back me up in the future. I'm hoping to have enough money by the time she dies to get an even nicer, more fuel efficient car. I would absolutely hate to be without one now that I have one. My car is very important to me, and having to drive something that I don't like will make me unhappy, like a fucking Dodge Grand Mini-Caravan. Speaking of which, I almost parked between two of those at the Primary school today. Soooo glad that I didn't, they would have fucked Lumie, up that poor girl. Fucking Caravans are fucking crazy. And the people that drive them. Nuts, every one. My mom drives one, and I learned in one. I know what I'm talking about... So luckily I caught myself and pulled up to the side of them, and avoided injury.
Is it sad that almost everything good in my life is my car? It's something that I can depend on, and that can get me the fuck out of here if I want to be. It's always there when no one else is, and that makes it something to depend on. I'm not gonna vent on here, it's not worth it. Better to hold it in and speak it to only those that care to ask, than blurt it out on a public site. I tried to make it as positive as possible, so... yeah.
As much as I dislike working at a drive-thru window at Jimmy John's, I managed to pick it up pretty quickly. I feel like the only thing I'm still not qualified to do is make the sandwiches, because I don't know them. But I got a little study guide so I can pursue my lifelong dream of working at Jimmy John's. Kidding.
I'm hoping that I'll start getting paychecks pretty soon. My car worries me sometimes, and I like knowing that I can avert a crisis when it happens. Lumie actually got jealous and bitchy with me on Friday afternoon. I had been checking out this Mitsubishi 3000GT before I went to work, and in all the pictures she is sitting jealously in the background. It was after that that I nearly got into two car accidents because of her brakes and her tranny starting shifting like I was getting rear-ended each time. And she shook. So I made her a facebook to appease her, and now she's being good for me again. WTF car. But I love her, she's my pretty lady. I just want her to stay with me as long as she can.
I have survived doing 18 hours a week and working 6 hours a week. Now I will survive that and additional hours on the weekend. While I feel somewhat like a badass I know I'm putting myself in a dangerous spot, but I think the payoff will be well worth it. Two paychecks coming in? And both places are less than 3 minutes away? I think yes :). Money to fuel my driving habits and to back me up in the future. I'm hoping to have enough money by the time she dies to get an even nicer, more fuel efficient car. I would absolutely hate to be without one now that I have one. My car is very important to me, and having to drive something that I don't like will make me unhappy, like a fucking Dodge Grand Mini-Caravan. Speaking of which, I almost parked between two of those at the Primary school today. Soooo glad that I didn't, they would have fucked Lumie, up that poor girl. Fucking Caravans are fucking crazy. And the people that drive them. Nuts, every one. My mom drives one, and I learned in one. I know what I'm talking about... So luckily I caught myself and pulled up to the side of them, and avoided injury.
Is it sad that almost everything good in my life is my car? It's something that I can depend on, and that can get me the fuck out of here if I want to be. It's always there when no one else is, and that makes it something to depend on. I'm not gonna vent on here, it's not worth it. Better to hold it in and speak it to only those that care to ask, than blurt it out on a public site. I tried to make it as positive as possible, so... yeah.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
09/27/2011
I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to blog about, right now I'm just thinking out loud. Sometimes I wonder how people must see me. I'm not even sure how I see me. I swear some days my self confidence is through the roof and other days I just want to put a bag over my head.
I just ran about 2.5 miles on the treadmill, so I'm feeling pretty dead now, and on my way out from the gym, I saw a guy I had a crush on playing ping pong with a girl. I honestly wish them happiness, whatever they are, but now I feel a little bit more alone. My ex fucking with my head doesn't help >.<. I don't want to really make waves, but I could've slapped him for his lack of tact and foresight. I had literally been 1.5 months out of hurting every day and then he tells me that he misses me and wants me back? After I suffered all summer and I had just stopped hurting? No sir. No thanks. As much as the lonely person in me wants to believe that he's changed and all that, the one that remembers the past knows that it probably won't be. The only reason I consider his words is because I glorified the relationship and tried to look past all the angst and hardship and frustration and neglect and loneliness... But then I saw, he's just trying to get me back. He's making empty promises of actually being there, and actually trying to make things work, but in reality, he's just gonna drop the ball again as soon as I say yes. And the cycle will start over.
Thus I know this is a bad idea and should be avoided. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I don't usually get upset about it until someone complains about something less minor than me, such as, "I haven't been held in someone's arms for a week! My life sucks!" Really bitch? Try 4-5 months. Fuck you. And like, she feels the need to parade every guy that she's fucking in our faces like we should be jealous. >.< there are some days where I just want to smack her, "Do you have chaps? I can't afford them, they're like $300" "Um, I don't think my chaps would fit you" "Well, I could get them tailored" "Um, why would I give you my chaps, which are extremely expensive, to YOU, for FREE?" Especially since you wouldn't even appreciate it and go ruin them... Yes, she is this dense.
>.< I think I must have anger issues or something. It just angers me that someone with so much disposable cash can ask someone like me who literally has $0 in the bank, for something that expensive and personal. Just, completely rude and insensitive. Uncaring of what I wanted. I hate rude people like that.
So... I know I sound like I have a gazillion crushes, and I do, but that just means that I'm not deeply in love with any of them. It also means that none of them have showed interest and/or have girls already. So I'm not a whore or anything drooling after all of these guys, I just notice that they have a nice smile and think about them. I'm also not out to rip apart a good thing, so I just think that they are cute and do not act on it. In my opinion, I can think whatever I want, as long as I don't do anything on it.
So anyway, I was leading into meeting this super cute indian guy whose name I cannot recall, but he has a very nice smile and he's like over 6 foot. I appreciate this a lot, even though I'm as short as I am. And while I know that if certain people read this they might feel hurt because I'm moving on, I'm not posting the link on facebook this time, and if they check it it's their own damn fault. I'm single and I can think people are cute if I want to. I'm not out to hurt anyone, but I have rights to believe what I believe. I'm not going to chain myself down because of what happened in April. But somehow I always end up crushing on guys that aren't interested in me, so this will probably go the same way. If it doesn't, i will certainly blog about it. In any case, the world keeps spinning and lives keep going on in the usual way. And my life, it will never be the same, as at this moment. The only constant, is change.
I just ran about 2.5 miles on the treadmill, so I'm feeling pretty dead now, and on my way out from the gym, I saw a guy I had a crush on playing ping pong with a girl. I honestly wish them happiness, whatever they are, but now I feel a little bit more alone. My ex fucking with my head doesn't help >.<. I don't want to really make waves, but I could've slapped him for his lack of tact and foresight. I had literally been 1.5 months out of hurting every day and then he tells me that he misses me and wants me back? After I suffered all summer and I had just stopped hurting? No sir. No thanks. As much as the lonely person in me wants to believe that he's changed and all that, the one that remembers the past knows that it probably won't be. The only reason I consider his words is because I glorified the relationship and tried to look past all the angst and hardship and frustration and neglect and loneliness... But then I saw, he's just trying to get me back. He's making empty promises of actually being there, and actually trying to make things work, but in reality, he's just gonna drop the ball again as soon as I say yes. And the cycle will start over.
Thus I know this is a bad idea and should be avoided. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I don't usually get upset about it until someone complains about something less minor than me, such as, "I haven't been held in someone's arms for a week! My life sucks!" Really bitch? Try 4-5 months. Fuck you. And like, she feels the need to parade every guy that she's fucking in our faces like we should be jealous. >.< there are some days where I just want to smack her, "Do you have chaps? I can't afford them, they're like $300" "Um, I don't think my chaps would fit you" "Well, I could get them tailored" "Um, why would I give you my chaps, which are extremely expensive, to YOU, for FREE?" Especially since you wouldn't even appreciate it and go ruin them... Yes, she is this dense.
>.< I think I must have anger issues or something. It just angers me that someone with so much disposable cash can ask someone like me who literally has $0 in the bank, for something that expensive and personal. Just, completely rude and insensitive. Uncaring of what I wanted. I hate rude people like that.
So... I know I sound like I have a gazillion crushes, and I do, but that just means that I'm not deeply in love with any of them. It also means that none of them have showed interest and/or have girls already. So I'm not a whore or anything drooling after all of these guys, I just notice that they have a nice smile and think about them. I'm also not out to rip apart a good thing, so I just think that they are cute and do not act on it. In my opinion, I can think whatever I want, as long as I don't do anything on it.
So anyway, I was leading into meeting this super cute indian guy whose name I cannot recall, but he has a very nice smile and he's like over 6 foot. I appreciate this a lot, even though I'm as short as I am. And while I know that if certain people read this they might feel hurt because I'm moving on, I'm not posting the link on facebook this time, and if they check it it's their own damn fault. I'm single and I can think people are cute if I want to. I'm not out to hurt anyone, but I have rights to believe what I believe. I'm not going to chain myself down because of what happened in April. But somehow I always end up crushing on guys that aren't interested in me, so this will probably go the same way. If it doesn't, i will certainly blog about it. In any case, the world keeps spinning and lives keep going on in the usual way. And my life, it will never be the same, as at this moment. The only constant, is change.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
09/23-24/2011
It has been an interesting 72 hours. A lot of confusing things in my opinion. Mostly having to do with men actually. Probably me mostly trying to find my footing and slipping on the ice that doesn't exist. I may be developing a headache just from all the things that are floating through my head. It seems like there's never a simple answer or option. I'm not sure what I want to work out. Or what I don't want.
I'm assuming that all of this is normal, if my life was perfect I'd actually be quite suspicious of when something is going to go horribly wrong. Maybe that's not the right way to think about things. Life has taught me that nothing comes easy, or free. Everything comes with sacrifice, even friends and love.
Ethnocentrism, the belief that one culture is above or better than another, goes both ways. You can put down your own culture just as easily as you can elevate it. I have been trying to be something that I'm not, being ethnocentric against myself. Last night I let Sam out. Sam is influenced by Muncie,IN. Sam has an accent from Muncie which is an odd combination of ghetto and hick. I don't normally let Sam out to play, but she likes it very much. I'm thinking about being her more often, instead of who I think people like more. I have been making myself quiet and shy in order to maybe be more attractive to someone who probably just sees me as a fat American. Well, let me just say, all the black men I've met like me like this, screw you. I'm not petite, I'm not delicate, but I'm fucking beautiful and just because I don't fit your standards doesn't mean I can't create standards of my own.
So I've been trying to make myself someone else's idea of beauty and I'm kinda sick of it. I might be single yet for quite a long time, but at least I will be being true to myself. I like rap. I like animated films. I like snakes. I'm a bit different than other girls. But just because I'm different doesn't mean that I need to change myself to fit some twisted view of beauty which involves conformation and a hatred of food. I also like cars. Of all kinds. I may say I don't like small cars, but that's mostly because I've never driven one or enjoyed one before. I don't know if I like them or not. Also I want to learn how to drive a stick shift, because I hate not knowing. I want to know how to control my car in a more intimate way than just pressing the gas pedal. I'm about to just test drive a manual and figure it out. But everyone that I've asked to teach me is either busy or just says no.
Interesting people are in my life. Interesting occurrences are in my life. Now if only I could get an interesting person to make themselves an interesting occurrence in my life. Y'know, one that wants to see me regularly and teach me things. Learn things from me. Share life experiences, and maybe spit. But here I am rambling again like a sap. Here I am turning in circles until I make myself dizzy. I think I want to do one thing, and that's find a stabilizing relationship, but I truly think it still stems to missing my Acad family and how close we were. And how I don't see any of them anymore. I miss them all dearly. And I miss how I could pretty much talk to them about anything and get hugs and stuff. College is very very different even from the academy. I miss coming back from extended and being able to jump around excitedly and hug people and spend until midnight talking and laughing then splitting to floors and repeating. I also miss cold evenings in the courtyards, and the moonlight on the river, and long adventures. i also miss roller chairs ;D Academy kids who read this blog, below please give one of your favorite memories at the Acad to ease my troubled mind. I should've made a detailed diary of everything that happened, but I was too busy having fun :).
While my life is confused at the moment, I will do my best to keep blogging regularly. Feel free to comment or ask questions on facebook.
I'm assuming that all of this is normal, if my life was perfect I'd actually be quite suspicious of when something is going to go horribly wrong. Maybe that's not the right way to think about things. Life has taught me that nothing comes easy, or free. Everything comes with sacrifice, even friends and love.
Ethnocentrism, the belief that one culture is above or better than another, goes both ways. You can put down your own culture just as easily as you can elevate it. I have been trying to be something that I'm not, being ethnocentric against myself. Last night I let Sam out. Sam is influenced by Muncie,IN. Sam has an accent from Muncie which is an odd combination of ghetto and hick. I don't normally let Sam out to play, but she likes it very much. I'm thinking about being her more often, instead of who I think people like more. I have been making myself quiet and shy in order to maybe be more attractive to someone who probably just sees me as a fat American. Well, let me just say, all the black men I've met like me like this, screw you. I'm not petite, I'm not delicate, but I'm fucking beautiful and just because I don't fit your standards doesn't mean I can't create standards of my own.
So I've been trying to make myself someone else's idea of beauty and I'm kinda sick of it. I might be single yet for quite a long time, but at least I will be being true to myself. I like rap. I like animated films. I like snakes. I'm a bit different than other girls. But just because I'm different doesn't mean that I need to change myself to fit some twisted view of beauty which involves conformation and a hatred of food. I also like cars. Of all kinds. I may say I don't like small cars, but that's mostly because I've never driven one or enjoyed one before. I don't know if I like them or not. Also I want to learn how to drive a stick shift, because I hate not knowing. I want to know how to control my car in a more intimate way than just pressing the gas pedal. I'm about to just test drive a manual and figure it out. But everyone that I've asked to teach me is either busy or just says no.
Interesting people are in my life. Interesting occurrences are in my life. Now if only I could get an interesting person to make themselves an interesting occurrence in my life. Y'know, one that wants to see me regularly and teach me things. Learn things from me. Share life experiences, and maybe spit. But here I am rambling again like a sap. Here I am turning in circles until I make myself dizzy. I think I want to do one thing, and that's find a stabilizing relationship, but I truly think it still stems to missing my Acad family and how close we were. And how I don't see any of them anymore. I miss them all dearly. And I miss how I could pretty much talk to them about anything and get hugs and stuff. College is very very different even from the academy. I miss coming back from extended and being able to jump around excitedly and hug people and spend until midnight talking and laughing then splitting to floors and repeating. I also miss cold evenings in the courtyards, and the moonlight on the river, and long adventures. i also miss roller chairs ;D Academy kids who read this blog, below please give one of your favorite memories at the Acad to ease my troubled mind. I should've made a detailed diary of everything that happened, but I was too busy having fun :).
While my life is confused at the moment, I will do my best to keep blogging regularly. Feel free to comment or ask questions on facebook.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
09/21/2011
It's 9:57 and I'm already blogging. Already my day has been interesting, at least to my standards. And the overshadowing factor is the fact that my tongue gets caught in my throat, right next to my foot. If I could predict the reaction, and I knew it would be a favorable one, I would totally say it, and I would be satisfied. However, I also feel that my silly intentions are not worth the loss of a friend. People confuse me and amuse me. I feel without the confusion there would be no mystery, and that is not a life. Also my rambling has already lost its direction. Huh. I mean I could go into embarrassing little details about myself, but, if I wanted my secrets known to the world then I would just gather up the balls to tell the people that my secrets are about. I WISH I had the balls to tell them, but there is that fear of rejection that is prevalent in my mind. Also, redundance, since I have already been over this before. Also, it might be like a, "omg you're hot and interesting we should hang out" kind of thing instead of a, "I feel like we're best friends but i really like you more than that" kind of thing. There is a level of relativity that is somewhat lacking in places. Confusion, confusion. Such a fun thing. This relativity thing could be amended with more interaction and time, but, will it ever get that far? This is a good question.
Also, I think the blue hair is going to die. I love the color, and I love being unique, don't get me wrong. But everyone knows who I am. Everyone can pick me out at any moment and that kind of freaks me out. I like being anonymous when I want to be. Also, I am applying for a job where I will work closely with small children, tutoring them with reading and writing. I'm not sure if they would hire me with teal hair...
I really feel that I need to let go of people. Not people, what people do and think, because most of the time it's not personal. I often take things too personally, and I should amend this. I should also amend the fact that I haven't done anything today other than go to one class and stay awake, but who's counting? Perhaps some day I will stumble upon the answers to my life. Maybe I'll suddenly discover how I'm supposed to think and feel. Maybe that day will come. Maybe not. The world is full of unanswered questions, and I wish that chasing cats at 3 in the morning could fix my problems, but alas it can not. A kitten would certainly make me feel better, a mute kitten. Someone here to share my most intimate thoughts with and to keep me warm at night, because I honestly don't think there will be another human in my life like that for a while. I keep my mind open, and I try to keep my chin up, but right now it seems that some days go better than others, and some days make you want to put your face in your pillow and block out the world. I can't help how I feel, but I can help how I treat others. I can help how I react to my feelings. And relieving stress would be a good thing to ease my worries. I should, key word should, be doing my stats homework right now. But my mind is out in space floating by LB426. Past the Nostromo and the bits of disaster that followed. I should log off. I should probably be sober. I should probably be in the lounge diligently working away. But all I want to do is find that kitten, so I won't feel so alone when my friends are busy, or when I isolate myself from the chaos for a short while. I want to go back to sleep and forget that I woke up this morning. But I'm not. I'm gonna pull myself up and out. I can't drag my feet in life, there's no time for that. And as for being alone, most men can't keep up anyway, actually I think most men are scared of me. I guess in a releasing sort of fashion, whatever comes, will come. No amount of hoping or praying or sulking will change what will come, or what opportunities will pass you. It's if you take those opportunities, if you accept the challenge, that creates your fate. But whatever comes, will come. Not doing your homework and ignoring your friends will only make you miserable, and it won't change things for the better. I guess this is what I mean by I ramble?
Also, I think the blue hair is going to die. I love the color, and I love being unique, don't get me wrong. But everyone knows who I am. Everyone can pick me out at any moment and that kind of freaks me out. I like being anonymous when I want to be. Also, I am applying for a job where I will work closely with small children, tutoring them with reading and writing. I'm not sure if they would hire me with teal hair...
I really feel that I need to let go of people. Not people, what people do and think, because most of the time it's not personal. I often take things too personally, and I should amend this. I should also amend the fact that I haven't done anything today other than go to one class and stay awake, but who's counting? Perhaps some day I will stumble upon the answers to my life. Maybe I'll suddenly discover how I'm supposed to think and feel. Maybe that day will come. Maybe not. The world is full of unanswered questions, and I wish that chasing cats at 3 in the morning could fix my problems, but alas it can not. A kitten would certainly make me feel better, a mute kitten. Someone here to share my most intimate thoughts with and to keep me warm at night, because I honestly don't think there will be another human in my life like that for a while. I keep my mind open, and I try to keep my chin up, but right now it seems that some days go better than others, and some days make you want to put your face in your pillow and block out the world. I can't help how I feel, but I can help how I treat others. I can help how I react to my feelings. And relieving stress would be a good thing to ease my worries. I should, key word should, be doing my stats homework right now. But my mind is out in space floating by LB426. Past the Nostromo and the bits of disaster that followed. I should log off. I should probably be sober. I should probably be in the lounge diligently working away. But all I want to do is find that kitten, so I won't feel so alone when my friends are busy, or when I isolate myself from the chaos for a short while. I want to go back to sleep and forget that I woke up this morning. But I'm not. I'm gonna pull myself up and out. I can't drag my feet in life, there's no time for that. And as for being alone, most men can't keep up anyway, actually I think most men are scared of me. I guess in a releasing sort of fashion, whatever comes, will come. No amount of hoping or praying or sulking will change what will come, or what opportunities will pass you. It's if you take those opportunities, if you accept the challenge, that creates your fate. But whatever comes, will come. Not doing your homework and ignoring your friends will only make you miserable, and it won't change things for the better. I guess this is what I mean by I ramble?
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
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